Is there a John Waters version of a lump of coal? 
The rudest possible gift is a gift card. It means you think the person is stupid and has no interests. The only good gift card is Bitcoin. You practically have to be a hacker to know about it. I want a Bitcoin gift certificate. Thatís a glamorous gift card. You can use it to buy hit men or drugs. 

What kind of gifts do you give? 
I always give books. And I always ask for books. I think you should reward people sexually for getting you books. Donít send a thank-you note, repay them with sexual activity. If the book is rare or by your favorite author or one you didnít know about, reward them with the most perverted sex act you can think of. Otherwise, you can just make out. 

-- John Waters, interviewed by Guy Trebay in the New York Times