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Time: Early evening, a weeknight
Place: A high school or community college conference room or small auditorium on Long Island.
Lights up on HELENE NADLER, an attractive Jewish matron, seated on a folding chair. HELENE is smartly dressed and accessorized; she's a proud, intelligent, well-spoken woman. She can be gracious, charming and, when necessary, enraged. She speaks to the audience.
HELENE: Good evening. Hi. My name is Helene Nadler, and if I seem a little nervous, it's because this is my very first time here at a meeting of the Massapequa chapter of the Parents Of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, The Transgendered, The Questioning, The Curious, The Creatively Concerned And Others. Of Color. With Colds. No, I'm sorry, I'm kidding, maybe we should just call this group, "Why Jimmy Has No Friends." I'm kidding! Because we are all proud, because we are all special. And I am here to tell you, to prove to you, that I am the most accepting, the most tolerant, and the most loving mother of all time. Bar none! You hear me?
Oh, I know what you're thinking, each and every one of you, you're thinking your child was different, your little bubbe went through tough times, your little sweetheart was a total nightmare and you were still warm and nonjudgmental and loving and hugging and giving them self-esteem well, fuck you! You are nothing! And you will bow down!
(Pulling herself together.)
I'm sorry. It's just, well, you'll see. What I've been through. It all started ten years ago, with my eldest child, my daughter, Leslie. "Leslie" - what was I thinking? She was 22, she said, "Mother" - so I knew it wasn't happy talk, "Mother, I have something to tell you. I'm a lesbian." And I took a deep breath and I said, Leslie - look at yourself. You're a professional tennis player, you have two cats, named Alice and Mrs. Dalloway, you live with a female social worker and you have the same haircut as a 12-year-old Amish boy. Of course you're a lesbian! I've been telling you that for years! Helen Keller would know you were a lesbian, from the stubble! And she was so happy, she said, so you don't hate me? And I said, of course I hate you, but not because you're a lesbian! I hate you because you're so boring! Why can't you be like Melissa Etheridge or Ellen Degeneres, okay, it's always pants, but at least they're Prada! They're cute! They're fun! And we're both thrilled, because it's all out in the open, we're free, we're clean, well, not their apartment. I said, girls, what is that aroma, kitty litter and patchouli? Is that some new Glade spray, Country Fresh Lesbian? Jodie Foster Number Five? But I don't care, I still visit, I sit on their couch, because I am the most loving mother of all time! Wait.
One year later, my middle child, my son, Ronnie, he comes to me. "Ronnie" - do I learn? And he says, Mom, I have something to tell you. And I say, you're gay, it's swell, no problem, "Angels", Elton John, "Will and Grace" -- I loved that show, it was adorable, it was like if Pottery Barn sold people. But Ronnie says, no, it's not that. He says, I was born into the wrong body. And I say, so was I, it's called Atkins, get over it. And he says, no, I was born into the wrong gender. I was meant to be a woman. And I have to sit down. I mean, Ronnie is six three with a beer gut and hairline problems, and all I'm thinking is, Ronnie, which woman? Ed Asner? And he says, Mom, can you imagine what it's like, always feeling so uncomfortable, so totally out of place, he says, Mom, think how you felt when we had to spend Passover with Daddy's family, in New Jersey, and I say, Ronnie, chop it off! If you want a vagina, here's the Visa!
So a year later, I'm riding high, I'm thinking, look at my beautiful family, there's Leslie and Marsha, that's her partner, they announced it in the
Times, did you see the photo? "Dennis The Menace Marries Opie." And they're having a baby. They wanted to make sure it was multicultural, so at the sperm bank they requested Vietnamese, Jamaican or Nigerian, I said, great, they can just attach the sperm to the menus and slide it under the door. But I'm thrilled for them, and in comes Ronnie, excuse me, Veronica, in her pale yellow ruffles and her pearls, and I just think -- she's lovely. And I'm so proud of her. And where do you find a wrap skirt in that size? And then she says, and Mom, I want you to meet someone, my girlfriend, Renee. And in walks this pretty little thing, a flight attendant on United, and I say, excuse me, and Veronica says, and I'm also a lesbian. And I pause and I say, Ronnie, didn't you take the long way around? And she, see, I said she, she says, no, when I was a man, I could never enjoy sex with a woman, but now that I'm a woman, I think it's the most beautiful experience ever. And I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, for what we spent on hormones, I could've had a new kitchen. And Marsha starts eyeballing Renee and Veronica's getting all huffy, and Leslie's got morning sickness, and I'm about to jump out the window but I go to the powder room, I splash some water on my temples and I say, Helene - you can do this. You are the most incredible, loving mother on earth, you can go for the gold, for the platinum, and I burst back into the room and I say, you are all so wonderful and so special, and the front door opens, and it's my baby, my David, and he says, Mom, I have something to tell you.
And I'm giddy, I'm flying, I say, so what could it be, you're gay, you're transsexual, you're a pregnant Nigerian lesbian flight attendant - the woman they could never fire. Whatever you are, I love you. And he says, okay, first off, I'm gay. And I say, yawn. Next. And he says, I am also - seriously into leather. And I say, great, I'm into fur. And he says, no, I'm the President of the International Order Of Gay Leathermen, which is dedicated to the practice of bondage, sado-masochism, verbal abuse and scatology. And Veronica looks at Leslie, who rolls her eyes and says, "Yale."
And David says, my personal favorite is scatology.
(To the Audience.) This is the clincher. This is my Purple Heart, my Nobel Prize in motherhood. He says that scatology involves enemas. People peeing on each other. And worse. Use your imagination. No, don't. And I look at him, and for a second I lose it, I become so intolerant -- I become my mother, and I say, David, in this house we use the toilet, not a friend from Tribeca! And David says, it's all completely safe and careful, it's about the erotic aspects of defecation, he says that children play happily with their own feces until society tells them to be ashamed, and I say, not Jewish children! You never had to play with shit, we gave you Mattel! And he says, Mom, I love you so much, and I just want to share my life openly. And I'm about to say, please don't share anything that leaves a stain. And Leslie touches my hand, and I stop. And I think, so many people's children, they hide everything. They live separate, secret lives. They're like strangers.
I love those children.
And that night, after everyone leaves, I turned to my husband and I said, Morris, I gave birth to three perfect children -
what did you do to them? And he said, they're still perfect, and I said, sure, if we're making a documentary: What should we call it - "Guess What's Coming To Dinner?" "Hide Your Pets"? And he said, don't drive yourself crazy, and I said, but they're our children, doesn't it bother you? And Morris says, not one bit and I ask, but why not? And he says, because whenever they come over, I just turn off my hearing aid. And I said, oh my God, and he asks, but who's the big girl who looks like Ronnie?
(She gestures helplessly) And he said, come to bed, but I couldn't sleep, and then it's 3 AM and I fell to my knees and I cry out to God! I say, why me? I go to temple, I pay my taxes, our housekeeper has health insurance, and probably my best diamond earrings! And then I felt ashamed, I felt hopelessly conventional, but goddamnit, I still wanted an answer! And then, just as I was finishing my third all-butter French crumbcake, I had - a vision. Sugar shock, maybe, carb coma, fine - but there she was! An Asian woman, a Chinese, in the little black outfit, standing right near my breakfront. And she said, I am the mother of Chang and Eng, the famous Siamese Twins. And the mother, she says, when my boys were born, I also cried out. I said, why are my children so different, so odd, so -- hard to shop for? And I wanted to comfort her, can you imagine, Siamese twins? All I kept thinking about was - long car trips. And the twins are in the backseat and they're fighting, he touched me, he called me a name - and you can't separate them. But the mother, she said when my babies were born, I looked at them wriggling in their cradle, like paper dolls made of flesh, and through my heartache, a thought arose - at least, they will never be alone. And I thought to myself, all of my children, with all of their mishegas, maybe all they're doing is finding very individual, very new, and very irritating ways -- not to be lonely.
-- Paul Rudnick, Pride and Joy
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