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It was early abuse [that gay men] suffered at the hands of our peers, coupled with the fear of rejection by our parents, that engrained in us one very strident lesson:
There was something about us that was disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable.
Whatever it was – at the time we still may not have known what it was – we decided must be hidden completely from view. Although we are older now, we are still driven by those insatiable, infantile drives for love and acceptance. In order to survive, we learned to become something that we thought would be more acceptable to our parents, teachers, and playmates.
We made ourselves more acceptable to others in a variety of ways. Perhaps you learned that you could win approval by becoming more sensitive than the other boys. Maybe you learned that you could win approval by displaying a creativity that the other boys refused to show, or you learned to win approval by excelling at everything you did. You may have even tried to earn affection by withdrawing and becoming helpless, hoping to arouse the sympathies of others.
The essence of all these experiences was the same. No matter how we expressed it, we needed love and
we feared that there was something about us that made us unlovable. It was an experience that became an integral part of our psychology that has stayed with us most of our lives.
-- Alan Downs, The Velvet Rage
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