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“Lessons on Being an Authentic Gay Man, Or What Mom Didn’t Know and Dad Couldn’t Accept”
1. Don’t let your sexual tastes be the filter for allowing people into your life.
2. Adopt a non-judgmental stance as often as possible.
The more critical you are of others, the more difficult it is for you to reveal your true self to the world around you. When you have not allowed others to be less than perfect, does it not only follow that you cannot be less than perfect?
3. When you have a problem with someone, speak with him/her about it first (instead of someone else).
Since most conflicts between people are created by both persons, authenticity requires a certain level of honesty about your own participation in the conflict that isn’t entirely consistent with the objective of winning others’ support.
4. It’s never a bad idea to be completely honest about the facts.
Authenticity demands truthfulness. Opinions, passing feelings, judgments, and hunches, when not supported by any fats, are often best kept to one’s self. After all, feelings change and hunches are often wrong. But when you know the facts, those never change. Where facts are concerned, absolute and radical honesty are always best…The kind of honesty that is the bedrock of authenticity isn’t about impulsive feelings, rather it is truthfulness about observable facts and those enduring feelings that are consistent over time…Once the gay man has tackled and diminished the toxic shame in his life, he is better equipped for the practice of honesty. He is no longer scared of what the truth might reveal about himself to others. He is presenting his true self to everyone, and there’s no shame in it at all.
5. Others are put off by perfection.
6. Don’t act on every emotion you feel.
The key to this lesson is twofold. First, notice that you are feeling an emotion. Second, consider whether or not it is effective for you to act on that emotion.
7. Put off having sex until you feel comfortable that you really know him.
8. Actively practice accepting your body as it is right now.
9. Intentionally validate those you love, but never validate the invalid.
10. Whenever you encounter a relationship problem, first assess your own responsibility before blaming someone else.
Whenever you are tempted to blame someone else, learn to pause and first ask yourself, “What have I done to create this problem?” If you will, you eliminate a great many conflicts in your life.
-- Alan Downs, The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man’s World
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