Q. Here it goes: When I was little my uncle raped me. And I'm not talking soft touches in "no-no" spots. He did some pretty nasty stuff. Anyway, I've gotten past that and I'm now with the most loving man I could ever imagine being with. The problem: He likes butt sex. Considering my past, butt sex kinda . . . freaks me out. He wants it so bad, and part of me wants it too, but when we try it, it hurts—a lot—and I get scared. I freak out and he stops, but I know we both want it. Is there any advice you could give me on this? I want to be able to give us both what we want. —Running From Her Past
A. First, you have all my sympathy. I hope your uncle dies or died a horrible, lingering death. Now on to the problem at hand . . . The first thing you need to do is expand your definition of butt sex, RFHP. Actual penis-pounding-away-at-butt sex, a/k/a buttfucking, is varsity-level sex, and you're clearly not ready for that squad. But there are plenty of junior- varsity options for your butt—and for his butt too—that can help you work your way up. I'm talking gentle, external stroking with lubed-up fingers, lots of licking, vibrators placed on your butthole (that's on, or across, not in). If you incorporate these gentler anal pleasures into your regular routine, RFHP, pretty soon you'll be having mind-blowing orgasms while your boyfriend rims you or holds a vibrator against your ass as he fucks you senseless. In time you'll begin to associate your butt with pleasure, and Uncle Fucker's grip on your ass will loosen. Only then should you go out for the varsity team.
-- Dan Savage, “Savage Love,” November 22nd, 2005