|
As an outsider to American society -- I grew up in Belgium and
have lived in many countries -- it strikes me that America, in
matters of sex as in much else, is a goal-oriented society
that prefers explicit meanings and "plain speech" to
ambiguity and allusion. Many American therapists encourage
clarity and directness, which they tend to associate with
honesty and openness: "If you want to make love to your
wife/husband, why don't you tell her/him exactly what you
want?" These professionals in large part
"solve" the conflict between the drabness of the
familiar and the excitement of the unknown by advising
patients to renounce their fantasies in favor of more
reasonable "adult" sexual agendas.
Whereas therapists typically encourage patients to
"really get to know" their partners, I often say
that "knowing isn't everything." Most couples
exchange enough direct talk in the course of daily life. To
create more passion, I suggest that they play a bit more with
the ambiguity that's inherent to communication. Eroticism can
draw its powerful pleasure from fascination with the hidden,
the mysterious, and the suggestive.
Ironically, some of America's best features -- the belief in
equality, consensus-building, fairness, and tolerance -- can,
in the bedroom, result in very boring sex. Sexual desire and
good citizenship don't play by the same rules. Sexual
excitement is often politically incorrect; it often thrives on
power plays, role reversals, imperious demands, and seductive
manipulations. American therapists, shaped by egalitarian
ideals, are often challenged by these contradictions.
In Europe, I see more of an emphasis on complementarity -- the
appeal of difference -- rather than strict gender equality.
This, it seems to me, makes European women feel less conflict
about being both smart and sexy. They can enjoy their sexual
power, even in the workplace, without feeling they're
forfeiting their right to be taken seriously. Susanna, for
example, is a Spanish woman with a high-level job at an
international company in New York. She sees no contradiction
between her work and her desire to express her sexual power --
even among her colleagues. "If compliments are given
graciously, they don't offend. We're still men and women who
are attracted to one another, and not robots," she says.
Of course, American feminists accomplished major improvements
in women's lives in many ways. yet without denigrating their
achievements, I believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and
respectful sex -- purged of any expressions of power,
aggression, and transgression -- is antithetical to erotic
desire for men and women alike. The writer Daphne Merkin
writes, "No bill of sexual rights can hold its own
against the lawless untamable landscape of the erotic
imagination." Or as filmmaker Luis Bunuel put it more
bluntly, "Sex without sin is like an egg without
salt."
-- Esther Perel
|
