SEX

  
There are really three kinds of food: junk food, health food, and gourmet food, Annie Sprinkle uses food as a metaphor. She describes junk food as "not particularly nourishing or satisfying, but it gets you by." In America, the average sexual experience is equivalent to junk food. She says, "We are a junk sex country." When it comes to health food, according to her theory, "not everyone has a taste for it, and you need a certain skill to prepare it." This is the level of "sex for health: for emotional healing, for curing a headache, for anal or vaginal health, as therapy, or even as aerobic exercise." Finally there is gourmet food, which is "an art. You put a lot more into making it, and it can be a spiritual experience. It is sensuous, deeply satisfying, takes more time, and can make life a magnificent experience. It requires skill and knowledge, but instead of everyday reality, we end up with paradise."

-- Margo Anand, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy


Ms. Blanchard, you're in an excellent position to observe our culture's impact on sexuality; I'm curious if any themes have come up in your work with your clients, common misconceptions about sexuality or particular dysfunctions?
Absolutely. Common myths are that a proficient sexual partner knows it all without talking or asking, that superficialities (whether it's the appearance of partners or oneself) are all-important, and that technique is more important than contact and communication. Additionally, my understanding is that men lie to each other about sex, perpetuating myths about male sexuality, and that it's very difficult for men to get a sense of their acceptability as sex partners.

One thing that's very difficult for many of my male clients is the societally-imposed responsibility to take the lead in initiating relationships and sexuality; there's a great deal of distress they feel because they're afraid that their interest will be either misperceived as sexual harassment, or because they feel like the entire responsibility is on them. For lots of my clients their validity and acceptability as people seems, in their minds, to be tied to their proficiency at sexuality, and because they feel uncomfortable (and that is not part of the culture's ideas about men) they feel like they aren't proper men. If our culture were to shift a little and acknowledge that men, like other human beings, can be scared and still be men, or can be shy and still be men, then they wouldn't doubt themselves as thoroughly and wouldn't have to hide the information that they're nervous or scared or inexperienced. They end up having to work with me when they're ashamed of their lack of experience or their lack of comfort - not because they actually need some unique skills that I offer, but because they need the safety of knowing that they won't be treated badly.

I have heard from a lot of men recently that they feel increased pressure from younger women to perform for them without feelings, and they find more mature women more accepting and more tolerant. So I do have a little concern about what's coming in the future. I don't think that younger women have always been intolerant, I wonder if it's something about the current culture of young adults. If you watch "Loveline" - Dr. Drew and Adam - Adam's brusque orientation and lack of compassion may be a reflection of an attitude particular to that generation. Or anyway, that's what my clients are reporting...

In general, what I have discovered for myself and my clients is that trust, comfort, and loving are the best foundation for healthy and happy sexuality. It takes a lot of reprogramming for people to pay attention to that rather than to all the superficial things which ultimately don't lead to happiness or sexual health.

-- Vena Blanchard, president, International Professional Surrogates Association