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The sense of psychological and spiritual well-being that comes from practicing forgiveness comes directly because this practice takes us to the edge of what we can accept. Being on the edge is challenging, wrenching, and transforming. The process of forgiveness demands courage and a continual remembering of where our deepest happiness lies. As Goethe said: “Our friends show us what we can do; our enemies show us what we must do.”
It is indeed a process, which means that as you do the reflections, many conflicted emotions may arise: shame, anger, a sense of betrayal, confusion, or doubt. Try to allow such states to arise without judging them.
Recognize them as natural occurrences. We are paying respects to our ultimate ability to let go and begin again. We are asserting the human heart’s capacity to change and grow and love.
-- Sharon Salzberg
In intentional forgiveness, “forgive and forget” is replaced with “forgive and remember.” As Sinead O’Connor sings, “If there is ever going to be healing, there has to be remembering, and then grieving, so there then can be forgiving.” True forgiveness does not allow the self to be continually harmed or allow the offender to continually offend. You honor yourself by choosing to forgive and by refusing to permit a continued relationship with the offender unless the offender takes responsibility for harmful behavior, seeks forgiveness, and begins to replace harmful behavior with positive behavior.
-- Shann R. Ferch, “Intentional Forgiving as a Counseling Intervention”
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