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In our village, a couple has frequent opportunities to renew their relationship. The man and woman join together in a ritual, usually sitting back-to-back with the woman facing north, inside an ash circle. After invoking the spirit, both people express their frustrations. Both of them are busy speaking their own pain and pay no attention to what the other is saying. Some people whisper, some shout, and some wave their arms. Outsiders watching this ritual might fear the men and women are about to kill each other, but it has a powerful, emotional ending. The couple calm down, reach a reconciliation, and then pour water on each other. The heart of the process is the washing away of all the friction that has settled into the couple’s life. Think of this ritual not as a confrontation but as a renewal of the marriage vow.
In Dagara culture we don’t believe that saying yes one time is enough for intimacy to endure. Though we in the modern world may devote a lot of time to working out our relationship problems, it’s often the wrong kind of time. When a solution eludes us, we may think it’s because we haven’t thought it through enough, that we lack imagination, or even that we’re worthless. But instead, it maybe that we don’t feel enough! You need to release the problem from the grip of mind alone. If we allow the heart to experience the problem, it will lead us on a path that may not be entirely logical but is far more likely to help us. One of the heart’s illogical paths is to start shouting, “Hey, I’m in trouble!” Only then can we see things from a different perspective that gives us strength.
-- Sobonfu Some, The Spirit of Intimacy
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