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Last week, a New Jersey court ruled that the Boy Scouts cannot oust an Eagle Scout just because he’s gay. The Scouts had dismissed James Dale in 1990, both as a Scout and an assistant Scoutmaster, because he was an “avowed homosexual,” and had thereby violated Scout bylaws, which demand that boys remain “morally straight” and “clean.” Gay men were once stereotyped as being excessively prissy, and now they’re suddenly piglets. Haven’t the Scouting authorities ever seen the Calvin Klein flagship store on Madison?
Earlier this year, a lesbian informant went to see In and Out, a gay-themed movie I wrote. She sat behind a row of Girl Scouts, who told her that they were at the Cineplex to earn merit badges in Tolerance. Some other possible gay-sensitive merit badges:
1. MODELLING: This badge has already been earned by all the barely pubescent Scouts whom Bruce Weber photographed for a recent article in
Vanity Fair, frolicking, often shirtless, and bathing at a national jamboree. Mr. Weber, in this pioneering portfolio, has added the following virtues to the South Oath: along with “brave” and “reverent,” we can now include “lithe,” “ruddy,” and “scrumptious.”
2. ELIMINATING COLOR: This would be a classic ecru badge, edged in slate, that would salute the Scout’s exquisite use of neutrals such as blanched parchment, empty sand, and Chernobyl ash. And, as good Scouts know, Brownies are the new black.
3. GUCCI AWARENESS: This badge, designed by Tom Ford, would be a simple circular cutout in the standard Scout shirt, revealing the Scout’s left nipple. Qualified Scouts would be asked to memorize the Modernism pledge: “It’s not about fashion, it’s about creating a system in which Gwyneth can happen.”
4. DISH: This badge, featuring the E! Entertainment Television logo, would be awarded to the first Scout in any troop to claim that his best friend’s roommate in L.A. knew a waiter who’d had sex with a trainer who’d received a hot glance from Tom Cruise, even though Tom was on a videocassette of
Mission: Impossible at the time. The Dish badge requires that all rumors be not merely one hundred per cent false but invoked as a form of moral superiority: “Oh, please, everyone knows that Ken Starr is a
big girl.”
5. FIRST NOVELS OR INDIE FILMS: Scouts can wear this badge only if their maiden manuscripts or screenplays combine parental abuse, vomiting during sex, old David Bowie lyrics, and canoeing. The badge will bear the Scout’s grainy photograph, in which he will wear sunglasses and a wool ski hat and have his arm around Chloe Sevigny.
6. LESBIAN OUTREACH: An item in last week’s Science section of the Times reports that the inner ears of gay women “work more like those of men” and have “less sensitive cochlea amplifiers” than those of heterosexual women. This revelation explains the lesbian penchant for pixie haircuts and Babar books. Boy Scouts can earn this badge of compassion by respectfully yelling at lesbians.
7. SOCIAL JUSTICE: This badge would be awarded to any Scout willing to legally marry Andrew Sullivan. Afterward, the happy couple would pitch a pup tent, roast marshmallows, and use a burnt twig to accent their eyes.
-- Paul Rudnick
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