|
"How to Hire a Call Boy"
by J Delin Quent, escort at large
Me: Hi, this is Delin -- returning your call. (He has paged me.)
Him: Hi, Delin, I saw your ad. (Duh.)
Me: Yes, what can I do for you?
Him: Could you describe yourself?
The ad has a complete description; but he has paged several boys, and needs to be reminded who I am. I tell him my height; weight; hair and eye color; a brief description; and what movie stars I look like.
Him: How big are you?
There's no doubt about what he means by that. Most people lie at this point, but I tell the truth about my penis size.
Him: That sounds great, are you available?
Me: Sure. What's your name? (He tells me.) When were you thinking of getting together?
I go through this dialogue at least 10 times every week. In fact, if the caller deviates from this script, I know the call won't convert to cash. If we talk for 30 seconds longer, then he's got one hand on his member. He's maneuvering me for phone sex, so I hang up.
I've been a call-boy for a long time, and I get a lot of calls. They page me late at night, early in the morning, whatever. Sometimes, they are polite and well-spoken; sometimes, they're crazy or high. The worst is the first time caller.
What is the proper way to address a prostitute? Most of these guys are wasting my time and don't know it. They have unrealistic expectations. They don't even realize that they are expecting me to read their minds over the phone. I'd like to take this opportunity to clear up a few common misconceptions about me and my business.
THE FANTASY: "If I had unlimited funds, I'd go thru the classified section and call one 'model' every night -- until I found my ideal husband." If my caller isn't sticking to the above script, he's probably into this fantasy. That's why I hang up. You can't hire someone to marry you, and people with that kind of money don't pay for love and attention. Also, if he's into that trip, he wants me to match his imagination. That's impossible.
Unlike the above fantasy, my regular clients understand what the money is for -- and what it's not. There are basically four services: clarity, attention, convenience, and expertise.
Clarity. In most relationships you don't know what you're getting into. You might be getting a good fuck, a good friend, or a husband. Or you could get a lousy trick, a con-man, or a chronic alcoholic. You never know what you're going to get, or what it's going to cost you. With me there are no games. Once you get through the first time, there are no risks. From then on, you know what you're getting; and you know what it's going to cost. It's very clear, no mixed messages.
Attention. I have found that the sex with most clients is cursory. I have a few who just want to talk and don't even bother with the sex. I'm there for an hour. Clients usually talk for the first 5-10 minutes, foreplay for 15, and work towards orgasm at the 30-minute mark. We clean up and chat for the last 25. If they are paying for the sex only, that's a pricey ten minutes. They want attention.
Convenience. This is a highly underrated aspect to my service. You might be horny 24 hours a day, but I'm not. I'm on call -- instead. Clients, generally, have no idea what I give up just to be available. Now callers seem to think that I'm sitting by the phone with nothing to do whatsoever but run out to see them. That's ridiculous. I have a life.
When you're horny, you don't realize what a pain in the ass it is to meet you at 10:30 pm. I can't meet friends for a casual evening. I can't commit to volunteer work. Imagine how hard it is to date, when I have to explain to the new boyfriend, "I'll be back in an hour." So while I can't count on making money, I also can't make plans.
And what about the driving? How many times has some Palm Springs Dude called my ad, which quotes an hourly rate. It's a five hour round trip, and he doesn't want to pay more than double my rate. As if! My local clientele is loyal enough that I don't have to drive, if I don't want to. Consequently, I charge a lot for long drives. Not that driving is such a skill, but I miss other clients while I'm on the road. Think about what the teamsters charge for overtime.
Expertise. I'm good, better than most. I have the perfect sexual personality for being a prostitute. I'm a carnal chameleon with diverse sexual interests. Such that I can show a small part of myself and appear to be the perfect boyfriend. I can trot right into a crystal party with a room full of flaccid masturbating addicts and electrify the event. I can also cruise up into the hills, knock on the door of some old-guard Hollywood personality, and be that nice young man he's been looking to meet.
Don't misunderstand. It's not a show. I really do connect with my clients, have to -- to know what parts of me they will like. I'm there for them and find the horniness in myself. That's what they pay for.
Just thinking about this makes me want to raise my rates.
Speaking of prices -- I've worked all over the country, in all types of sex worker situations. I've made $20 for an hour of fucking (6 times a day). I've made $300 for 15 minutes of masturbating with our clothes on. I hustled the streets in New York, San Francisco, New Orleans, San Diego, and more. I've worked indoors in bars and a massage parlor. For three years now, I've been a full-time call-boy in LA -- who travels.
I've been or met hustlers, models, porno stars, tweakers, johns, pimps, and actors. That's quite a range of rates.
There's a lot that goes into pricing: Who you are, who I am, what time, how far, etc. Boys on the street are the cheapest, and the biggest risk. One wonders why they stay on the street. LA is fucking dangerous. There are rough tricks, other boys tweaking, gangs, not to mention the law. Street hustlers are easy targets for cops.
I used to get $30 or $40 for head in the car; $50 or $60 for fucking back at their place -- depending on where he lived. Working the street is hard. I liked it, but it was rough. I'd never go back, but there are days when I miss the boulevard: living by my wits; defending myself; wangling free of the heat; unchained, unclaimed, untamed. However, a bad night on the street means long, cold, scantily clad hours in the gloom -- can't watch TV or read; and no cash. A good night is $100, steak at Denny's, and getting to bed early. That's a slow night for a call-boy.
So in my opinion, boys who work the street for a long time must be damaged. Usually it's drugs. You might not even have to pay them, if you get them high. If they wanted to be successful as prostitutes, they'd get a better job in the sex industry.
A "masseur" is a step up. These guys think they're clever. They're dodging the law by calling it a "sports massage." When callers ask me about massage, I'm honest. "It's a pretense for sex." Some masseurs are certified. It's risking their licenses to sell sex, but that's the only way to clear expenses.
Models are next up. We've usually done some legit modeling but not much. Here's where you can find your favorite porn star. They charge twice as much.
I've also found an interesting paradox. The better looking he is, the worse the sex -- not always, but usually. It seems that if he looks like a god, he's used to being worshipped. Unfortunately, that effectively prevents him from learning how to have sex interactively.
So if you call, really think about what it is you are looking for. Are you seeking a fantasy that's realistic? Remember, a hustler will be driving out to see you and coming to your door. Don't waste our time. Here are some do's and don'ts to help you decide.
DO make sure you can afford it. It seems to be a part of gay culture to buy things that we can't afford, that whole gay credit syndrome. It is such a pain when the client is stretching his budget, because then he wants the ultimate fantasy at a bargain rate. Remember, I'm providing: clarity, attention, convenience, and expertise -- this is a lot. But it's nothing if you're expecting the love of your life to show up and "take you away from all this."
DO shower, shave, and gargle -- with mint. Bad breath is the number one turnoff. And clip your damn nails! Nothing kills a mood worse than some hillbilly hooking a fingernail up my tender butthole to "assist" my climax.
DON'T be drunk or stoned. Duh.
DON'T ask if you're my only client for the day, unless you want to pay for the whole day.
DON'T try to talk me into unsafe sex. This is 1996. You can't pay enough to risk my life. Do the math.
DON'T make an appointment for later. You're horny when you call. As soon as you hang up, you'll jack off, then you won't need me. Figure it out.
DON'T write a check. This is a cash business for all new clients. I'm no fool. If you haven't got a Ready Teller card, you can't afford me.
DON'T expect me to have dinner with you for free. I work on the clock. I might miss another client. Moreover, it seems like a nice dinner to you, but I'm working. Even if I enjoy myself, we're still doing what you want, not what I want. Of course you enjoy spending time with me -- that's my job. In fact, socializing appropriately requires much more skill than just screwing. Ante up, and I'll eat.
DON'T ask me to guarantee my erection. Erections are spontaneous, and require personal chemistry. This is a risk that you only have to take on my first visit. After that, we'll know how we interact. Be wary of boys who promise a woody, sight unseen. There's a good chance it's fueled by cocaine.
DON'T ask me to guarantee your erection. I'll do my best for you, but you've got to work with me.
DON'T expect me to show up at your soiree for free. I guess escorts are perceived as walking parties looking for a place to happen. There are call boys that fit that description, but they never last in the business; and you probably won't be able to connect with them emotionally.
DON'T describe yourself on the phone. I know the trick is a bust, as soon as I hear these phrases: "I don't know what you're used to, but I'm not some old fat man..." or "I'm not the kind of guy who has to pay for it." The worst is when I have to sit through his measurements -- ugh! This is a client I don't want. He thinks he's doing me some sort of favor by hiring me. Moreover, he'll want a discount, because he thinks he's so much "hotter than everyone else I see." Some favor, trying to dicker me on my price.
I have plenty of good looking clients. Some are hunky and hung, all ready to "pay for it." Maybe they're shy. They might be just coming out. Maybe they're from out of town and don't know anyone.
When it comes right down to it, the main reason they ring my phone is because they need: clarity, attention, convenience, and expertise. Very few men can verbalize that. Instead it gets tangled up with their egos; and comes out "I don't have to pay for it." So when I hear that phrase, I say, "Yes you do," and hang up.
But the number one DON'T is: Don't judge me. I'm still amazed at the bizarre machinations of the mind that allow my clients to judge me. "How long have you been selling your body?" "I guess you're just here for the bucks." "I don't suppose you go to church." Hypocrites.
If that's what it takes for them to let me help them, so be it. I'll help them. Of course, I charge more if you're a jerk.
-- reprinted from Front magazine
|
