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"The letter from my father really wounded me and gave me a great excuse to go on a massive binge of alcohol and drugs and indiscriminate sex, all of course acted out with great flair, anger and pain. I really was wanting to kill myself so I chose that path, the slow and painful one. The summer included Gay Day in San Francisco replete with crystal, Special K, mucho alcohol and lots of sex. It was so weird because it was so painful and such a blast at the same time. I felt like I was attempting to cauterize my soul. All during this time the 'Tom' thing was still lingering. He and I just wouldn't let go. I saw him very little, but we were both invested in the drama still, so there was the two-week cycle of fights, dramatic breakups (including the police), drunken scenes in bars, and then operatic sex and making up. Now the stress nearly killed us and may have shortened our lives or it may have saved our lives and kept us going. Who is to know? ... I have learned so much through all of this shit! I feel entirely transformed. I got good loving and passionate sex off and on for two years, the most drama I have ever had in my life, the most hurt and the most pain. Such a strange combo. I secretly think that all of these emotions are linked if not the same! Unlike the buddhist process I welcome them and their fiery furnace of enlightenment to purify my heart and soul and mind (you can tell I have been around a bunch of spirit-filled christians for a while). We drink the heady wine of feeling (after we have worked hard to simply accept and acknowledge and open up the senses of feelings) from a trough with the rest of the piggies in the mud and it's as if dionysus/shiva comes and overwhelms us, takes us to the divine and if we are not destroyed we become more than whole (in time). And of course
being whole is being all and nothing and knowing the sacredness of washing dishes, sweeping floor and taking a good shit!"
-- letter from Mark Fockler
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